Tuesday, October 11, 2016


I constantly feel like I'm too much and not enough.

If I was more patient, I'd be a better teacher, girlfriend and friend.
If I was more secure, I'd be a better teacher, girlfriend and friend.
If I wasn't so emotional, I'd be a better teacher, girlfriend, and friend. 
If I wasn't so trusting, I wouldn't ever get hurt.
If I didn't find trust so difficult, I wouldn't hurt other people.

This list makes me laugh and want to burst into tears. Because it's true. If I was totally different...I'd be totally different. I wouldn't be who I've been created to be. Some people might prefer this other version of Maria...but I don't. 

I want to be exactly who I was called to. Even if it's too much and not enough all at the same time.

I hate that I'm angry. No let me rephrase that. 
I hate who I'm angry with. I hate that I'm angry with God. 

I hate that He allowed things to happen before I had choice.
That a lot of my scars, if not most of my scars could have been so easily avoided. I hate that because of these scars, it's affected my current relationships. 

I hate that it wasn't my fault but I blame myself. 
I hate that I'm pushing good things away because I think they're going to go away because there is no way I'm good enough. 

I hate that I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. 
And then I put that pressure on other people. 

I came across this phrase earlier this year 
"Do not abandon us now that we are fighting for ourselves".

I've been given my voice back.
And I hate that I think that one emotional moment, one heartfelt prayer, one time of pouring my heart out, will fix everything. 

Because it doesn't. As those closest to me can attest, we've talked about how emotional, insecure, and hard it is for me trust more than once. And most of the time, it's been met with so much grace and love.

But people wear out, they aren't God.
Because the one that I'm angry with is the only one who can make me feel whole, complete, and loved. 

Yes people can give you these feelings for a moment, but the love of the Lord washes you clean.
And I don't feel it at this moment. 

And I feel like I'm under attack from the enemy. 
I feel like this experience will either make or break me. 
I am not okay with numbing silence resting on my soul.
I am not okay with losing the blessing God has blessed me with because of my past.
I will not allow my past to define me. 
I will take back what the enemy has stolen.
I will find my faith no matter how hard it is because I am worth it.
I am worth fighting for.
I am worth losing sleep over.
I am worth being pursued.

And even more so, because God is worth it. 
I declare my victory because in Christ, I can do anything. 

I generally post encouraging things, and I feel like this isn't the most encouraging. But it's real, raw, and authentic. And sometimes we need to know that those around us don't always have it all together. That life is hard. That things can hurt us. But we have a choice. My choice is I will not let anything define me except what God says.

 I am broken, but I am not destroyed. In fact, I'm being rebuilt.