Friday, June 26, 2015


Today, was my very first day of summer. It officially marks the end of my first year of teaching. 

It was so hard

I didn't expect this. 

They didn't teach me this in college. 

No one prepared me.

I never expected to feel this way. 

I wish I could show you them. 
They're beautiful. 
I wish I could adequately put into words what I'm experiencing.

No one prepared me. I wasn't told. 

I didn't expect to drive home from their end of the year concert and cry so hard I had to pull over. Because I wasn't ready to let them go. 

I didn't expect to think about them constantly. Wonder if they're safe, fed, and happy. Even on weekends. 

I didn't expect to be told "I HATE YOU".
I didn't expect to read a student's journal and walk away quickly because I was tearing up. Because he said his dream was for his family to see him walk across the stage in his cap and gown someday. 

I didn't expect my heart to be ripped out when I read the words "I wish Ms. Trela knew that I don't lie unless it's to protect my sister. And sometimes I lie and say we slept at home when really slept at my mom's boyfriend's house."

I didn't expect this.

No one told about the heart break.

No one told me how it feels on the last day of school when you realize that your time is up. That they're going to walk out that door and you may never see each of those kids again. That your chance to impact them on a daily basis is finished. 

No one told me how often I'd lose my patience. How often I wouldn't say things right. 

No one told me the power of an apology of an adult to a child. 

No one told me how many times I'd laugh because they're ridiculous. 

No one told me how many times I'd wonder if I'd made the right choice when I became a teacher; how I would hate teaching my first day. 

I never thought I'd be so tired of them by the end of the school year. How I seriously considered bribing them if no one said my name or needed me for 5 minutes straight. 

I didn't expect to read my kids something I'd wrote and look up and see every single one of them crying. I never thought I'd miss them the way I do. 

I never expected to make so many mistakes. And yet, also have so many victories. 

It's the strangest thing, love. 

I didn't realize what a responsibility it would be to care for, nurture, and teach God's children. I honestly didn't think I'd be the first one to tell some of them that they're heroes. That they are believed in. That they are loved. 

I never realized how much I would need to trust God with my babies. How thankful I'd be that He's a good and loving Father.

At the very beginning of the year, a very wise women prayed over me and said she hoped I would realize what a privilege it is to be called a teacher. 

I think I get it now. 

It is a calling. It is a passion. And it is a complete joy and privilege. 

I'm so thankful. 

To my students - if you ever come across this...I loved every moment.
Because I met you. 

Wednesday, June 17, 2015


I have no catchy intro to this. But I don't think I usually do, so theres that. As usual, I'm a bundle of emotions. And to be completely honest, I've been in tears so many times this week. Which so isn't my thing.

But see the thing of it is, I'm learning I'm actually a basket case. Which may not come as a surprise to anyone. Except me.

I've believed so many lies for SO many years...some my entire life...that silenced my voice. I became passive. And God showed me that I have to change my thinking, RENEW my mind. So I got serious about it. And can I just say - this has been the most exhausting week I've had in a long time. As soon as I made that decision and acted on it, it's as if I've been under constant attack. Waking up at stupid hours, tossing and turning, hearing lies being yelled in my ears, constant panic attacks. Something in me told me to keep going. Thieves only come to loaded vaults!! And I don't say any of this for your sympathy or to make myself look awesome. My point is that GOD IS SO GOOD. Because slowly but surely, in the midst of all lies, there's that still small voice telling me the truth. And in a WEEK, He's done miracles in my heart.

JESUS CAN BE TRUSTED. With my whole heart. With all my dreams. All my desires. Even the ones I really want.

HE DOES WHAT HE SAYS HE CAN DO. He loves so perfectly I can't stand it.

One of the only things I'm completely sure of is that I know absolutely nothing. Even the things I'm good at, theres so much I don't know. It's a lie to believe that I'm defined by anything other than Christ! It's a lie to believe that fighting is too hard! That it does nothing!! If you get nothing out of this, just know Jesus is always, ALWAYS worth it...that God is at work!!!