Tuesday, July 22, 2014


As I've gotten older, my foolishness truly astounds me. I am the type that is constantly reflecting and analyzing situations. I try to look at something from every point of view and every possible outcome - ranging from slightly ridiculous to completely obscene. And when I'm done with that, I usually start all over. 

Ahhhh, the curse of the over thinker. 

I have another confession to make: I care way too much about what people think. 

In reflecting over my life choices in the past, it's so apparent to me how much I've let the opinions of others shape who I have become. I still struggle with this, but I have also come to the point where I am starting not to care. One of my biggest pet peeves is people judging me based on the things they have heard about me or think they've seen of me without actually knowing who I am personally. I've always grown up behind the shadow of prettier (in my eyes), more outgoing friends. I'm continuously  shocked to hear that people know who I am. I'm more of back ground kind of gal. 

I recently cut my hair and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I also exaggerate about 500% of the time. But it brought me back to jr high and all the thoughts and feelings I had then and I was reminded of a "song" I wrote when I was 14. While writing this, it suddenly popped into my head. I haven't thought of it since I was 14, but nine years later, I remember every word. Although this is a dramatic song, it's near and dear to my heart. I poured my soul into it. 

I fade into the background
No one notices me
or the tear that falls down my face
sometimes I feel rejected 
and utterly alone
theres no one here to comfort me

But You say 
Don't worry
I've got it under control, 
don't worry about the end 
you're still at the beginning 
You're my lost sheep
And I will always love you. 

Lately, I have been overcome with guilt over mistakes I have made. How many people I have hurt or negatively affected in my short little life. Lost time. Wondering how things will work out. Where I'll be in a year. I keep waiting for my life to change and it's so close I can almost taste it but it's been that way for so long that I feel like it's never going to happen. 

As I mention in almost everything I write, I believe it's imperative to TELL YOUR SOUL THE TRUTH. Feelings are just feelings! So after I wallow in self pity for awhile I always come back to reminding myself of who I am and where I'm going.

I made this for my baby Zoey. She's not born yet, and before any rumors start, she's my friend's baby not mine. I want her to always be reminded of who she is. I think I need to make me and a few of my friends one of these to continually remind ourselves of who we are, not who we've been.

The fact of the matter is, God's grace is new every morning. And even though I've done some really stupid things and hurt people's feelings....that doesn't change or affect my value. It doesn't matter what people - even Christian friends who think I'm not living up to THEIR standard of being a Christian - think. All that matters is what Jesus thinks and I pursue Him. It all goes back to Jesus. Every dang time. No matter the problem. 

And it also matters how you treat people. Give an abundant amount grace ESPECIALLY when the person doesn't deserve it. I'm convinced that's when we're most like Jesus.