Saturday, November 29, 2014


Well, technically almost 4 months. 4 months of being a third grade teacher. 4 months of saying the same things over and over and over again:

"Is that helpful or hurtful?" 
"Our rule is raise your hand before speaking" 
"No I will not repeat the directions, I've already said them three times and you chose not to listen"
"Line up"
"Be at a level 0 in the hallway"

We have a ridiculously chatty class, to say the least. 44 little darlings who will not stop talking. 

4 months, of meetings, parent conferences, observations, and planning sessions. 4 months of freaking non stop TRAININGS (professional development). 

4 months of being in a profession that constantly makes me rethink everything. Gives me more confidence to be assertive (that's the polite way of putting it) ;). And within the same moment destroy my confidence when I see their test scores. 

It's hard. So hard. Especially when it doesn't seem like you're making a difference and your work doesn't matter. 

But then...there are those moments...those breakthrough moments that make it all worth it. 

Have you ever read the story "You Are Special" by Max Lucado? I don't remember what I was teaching, it was at the beginning of the year, and I read it to my kiddos. It's about a little guy named Punchinello, a Wemmick, who isn't very talented. The talented, pretty, good Wemmicks give each other stars and those who well...aren't those things... get dots. Punchinello didn't have any stars, only dots. He meets a Wemmick with no dots or stars and he asked her why. She told him she visits Eli everyday and he helps her not care what other people think. She suggests he also goes to meet with Eli, the master carpenter, which he does. He's scared of course, but when he enters Eli's workshop, Eli know his name. "You know my name?" Punchinello asks. "Of course I do, I made you!". Eli goes on to tell Punchinello that it doesn't matter what the other Wemmicks think. Eli thinks he's special. Eli thinks he's special not because of his abilities but because of the simple fact that Eli made him - and Eli doesn't make mistakes. 

I tell you what...when I read that story, there wasn't a single student whose eyes weren't glued to me. They were so quiet you could hear a pin drop. 

Last week, the week before Thanksgiving, I showed them this video:

Just watch it. While it was still playing, one of the girls burst out "But I'm not a hero!" and it broke my heart. But it was worth it to be the first person to tell her she was something special. Again, silence in the entire classroom. Which is really weird.

And then there's Alexander*. My baby that has literally no consistency in his life. Who has literally been pulled from my classroom more than once by all three principles, screaming and crying. Who, if he's not paying attention, no one is. Who has gotten 30's on all his tests. Who got an 80 on the last test he took, and when I called him to my desk and showed him his grade, his eyes filled with tears. Who still has outbursts but is learning to control them. Who is learning that both his teachers would literally do anything they could to help him be successful. Who is completely different kid than the one who walked into class that first day of school. 

*name has been changed

I'm not saying any of this to brag. I'm saying it because it's almost Monday and I don't want to go back to work. I've realized I am a HUGE fan of naps. Sometimes I need to remember why I do what I do, why I chose the career path I did. 

All I know is, I don't know how any one can do this without Jesus. Your feet hurt, you're always needing to do something, and you're constantly tired. Even after napping for almost an entire week, I could use a nap. And I have papers to grade. Even so, it's worth it. 

Go hug a teacher, or a mom. Because I almost guarantee you moms always feel the same way I just described. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


As I've gotten older, my foolishness truly astounds me. I am the type that is constantly reflecting and analyzing situations. I try to look at something from every point of view and every possible outcome - ranging from slightly ridiculous to completely obscene. And when I'm done with that, I usually start all over. 

Ahhhh, the curse of the over thinker. 

I have another confession to make: I care way too much about what people think. 

In reflecting over my life choices in the past, it's so apparent to me how much I've let the opinions of others shape who I have become. I still struggle with this, but I have also come to the point where I am starting not to care. One of my biggest pet peeves is people judging me based on the things they have heard about me or think they've seen of me without actually knowing who I am personally. I've always grown up behind the shadow of prettier (in my eyes), more outgoing friends. I'm continuously  shocked to hear that people know who I am. I'm more of back ground kind of gal. 

I recently cut my hair and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I also exaggerate about 500% of the time. But it brought me back to jr high and all the thoughts and feelings I had then and I was reminded of a "song" I wrote when I was 14. While writing this, it suddenly popped into my head. I haven't thought of it since I was 14, but nine years later, I remember every word. Although this is a dramatic song, it's near and dear to my heart. I poured my soul into it. 

I fade into the background
No one notices me
or the tear that falls down my face
sometimes I feel rejected 
and utterly alone
theres no one here to comfort me

But You say 
Don't worry
I've got it under control, 
don't worry about the end 
you're still at the beginning 
You're my lost sheep
And I will always love you. 

Lately, I have been overcome with guilt over mistakes I have made. How many people I have hurt or negatively affected in my short little life. Lost time. Wondering how things will work out. Where I'll be in a year. I keep waiting for my life to change and it's so close I can almost taste it but it's been that way for so long that I feel like it's never going to happen. 

As I mention in almost everything I write, I believe it's imperative to TELL YOUR SOUL THE TRUTH. Feelings are just feelings! So after I wallow in self pity for awhile I always come back to reminding myself of who I am and where I'm going.

I made this for my baby Zoey. She's not born yet, and before any rumors start, she's my friend's baby not mine. I want her to always be reminded of who she is. I think I need to make me and a few of my friends one of these to continually remind ourselves of who we are, not who we've been.

The fact of the matter is, God's grace is new every morning. And even though I've done some really stupid things and hurt people's feelings....that doesn't change or affect my value. It doesn't matter what people - even Christian friends who think I'm not living up to THEIR standard of being a Christian - think. All that matters is what Jesus thinks and I pursue Him. It all goes back to Jesus. Every dang time. No matter the problem. 

And it also matters how you treat people. Give an abundant amount grace ESPECIALLY when the person doesn't deserve it. I'm convinced that's when we're most like Jesus. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014


That was taken yesterday. And I edited the crap out of it because the actual picture quality is terrible. Probably because I was DRIVING. And texting. And giving the person in the car next to me a high five. Not really. That was all for my mother's sake.

People, man. They are something else. I hope you're okay with a lot of words and pictures because thats all this post is going to be. I have a lot of thoughts and questions running around in my heart. So I'm going to throw them up on you. Gross. 

I wish people could see themselves the way people they love see them. I've noticed that we get so bogged down by our own sin and failures that we tend to forget about what we're doing RIGHT. We forget to focus on the good and tend to have a negative view on most circumstances. We forget how deeply we are loved and our choices reflect that. Well, at least mine do. I say all of this as an incurable optimist. I'm a big believer in fairy tales, happy ending, the perfect moment, and that people respond to grace and love in the most staggering and surprising ways. 

But when I view myself, all I see is what's wrong. The sin. The shame. The guilt. The past. The brokenness. Not all the time, not everyday. But in the quiet moments. In the stillness. In the dead of night. I am reminded of who I was, not who I am. The dreams in my heart that have yet to be fulfilled. The pain of the past. 

Everything has been a waiting game lately. Its driving me up the wall, and I can feel myself coming to a breaking point. I'm losing my patience. I'm wondering if God sees me right now. I KNOW he does, but I guess I don't believe it. But I want to. And then I dial myself back about a thousand notches and focus on what is going RIGHT in life. And man oh man does that help.

For example. I have the most obnoxious and loving cat. And while we're on the subject of obnoxious and loving, I have the best family and ride or die friends. I can't believe I just typed ride or die. Moving on. 

I guess that's what the purpose of this blog is. Remembering to cherish the process. Because whether its happy or painful, it writes the pages of our lives and gets us to the end result. Because every part of life has beauty, I'm so convinced of it. Even the hard parts. The heartbreaking parts. Because that is when Jesus mets you in the depths of your soul and reminds you of how unfathomably big He loves you. And me. And everyone. He's got the whole world in His hands. But chooses to see us, care about our stupid and deep worries, and be ravished with us. 

And remembering how loved we are, allows us to love others. To give grace in every moment, because honestly, what else is there?

I love the picture above. You are never as broken as you think you are if you have Jesus. The hurt of today is nothing compared to the glory and privilege of being deeply, intimately known and loved by Him. 

And a final thought, that I've seen proven true in my life is this:

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Life Update and Little Reminders

I haven't posted in this blog since October. Granted, no one would ever accuse me of being super consistent with blog posting, but anyways.

A lot has happened since last I wrote. I was going over the list and it's a bit mind boggling. I kind of can give myself a bit of grace for how emotionally frazzled I've been!

So in no particular order:

1) GRADUATED COLLEGE. Your girl has a Bachelors of Science! In Elementary Education! And is a certified teacher in the state of Texas. Thank you Jesus.

2) LOST MY BEST FRIEND. A few days after Thanksgiving, I lost my kitty named, Missy. I want to burst into tears just writing that. She was my birthday present when we moved to Texas and I had been my best friend for 11 years, almost 12. It was very sudden and very heart breaking. For some unknown reason, her liver started failing and was basically eating her organs. She was starving to death. I pet her when I came home from Thanksgiving break and I noticed that had lost a significant amount of weight. Then a day or so went by, family was in town, and she hid in the closest most of the time. I chalked it up to her not liking kids. Then when they left she came out and found me, and I knew. I spent the whole night with her and sobbed and told her I was sorry I had been gone so often for the last two years (being at school). That she probably didn't understand that. That if she just held on, for two more weeks I would be home everyday. And that I loved her very much. We had to put her down the next day. I think she was waiting for me, so that I could say goodbye. I feel like part of my childhood left with her.  And if I'm totally honest, I'm sobbing while writing this.

3) GOT A JOB AT A PRIVATE PRE SCHOOL/PRE K. This happened a week ago. It's fun, but I am just working as an aide. Its a bit difficult to find a job when you graduate in December. But I'm looking. Say a prayer for me if you think about it. I'd really like to teach 1st or 2nd grade. 

Lets get down to the real business of this post. My list of little reminders. These are mostly to myself, but I hope they encourage you too.

- Live in the moment. Don't try to jump ahead to next year, or even tomorrow. Enjoy now.

- People are more important than being late. Be polite. Be sincere.

- It's more important to be gentle, kind, and loving than it is to be right. Or know theology. I'm convinced theology turns well meaning people into pretentious jerks. 

- You cannot change people. Only God can. 

- Don't worry so much. Geez calm down, woman! Don't overthink. Don't make up ridiculous scenarios  in your head. Focus on real life. 

- You don't drink enough water. Ever. 

- Tell people you love them. And on that note, love people exactly where they are at. See them as who they can become. 

- It's okay to hug people, even if you're not a super touchy person. 

- Spending time with Jesus is time you will never regret. Same with exercise.

- You need to stop trying to make pizza food group in your diet. 

A huge hug (I'm going out of my comfort zone) from my heart to yours, 


Here's the post that inspired this one from Katie Did What <3