Monday, December 14, 2015


It is so hard for me to write. Mostly because it reminds me of how far I still have to go. More often than not, I feel completely inadequate. In fact, at this exact moment, I am laying in bed, with a box of pops (the cereal) next to me. I'm not even eating them anymore. I'm not sure why they're still there. So not classy.

And, I feel as though I sound like a complete basket case every time I write. Because I write about feelings. Because I'm a woman. And I have a lot of them. I do so many things wrong. And as previously mentioned, I have more feelings than I'm comfortable with.

I'm incredibly guarded.

I cut people off when they get too close.

I don't believe true love exists for me.

I feel as though I am not worthy of a "good man".

My past dictates my future.

I'm insecure.

I am a chronic over thinker.

I can be overcome with shame and guilt.

I give myself too much grace.

I feel like I have to be extra perfect, in every area of life, because I'm a teacher. Because if I'm not, then I have no business being one.

I am both too hard and too easy on myself.

I could go on, but I've probably made you feel uncomfortable enough already.  My point is, I far from perfect. I KNOW who I am, but I deeply struggle with believing it a lot of the time. Old habits die hard. And the voices...the chatterbox...doesn't go quietly.

I read a book recently. Just kidding. I listened to a book recently called "Crash the Chatterbox" by Steven Furtick. Life. Changing. One of his points was the reason the Enemy's voice is always so loud is because he has to scream to get our attention. And the reason the voice of the Lord is so soft and gentle is because He is close. He is always close.

I am not okay to be left the same. I always want to better.

I am not the most gifted writer, teacher, or even the best friend all the time. I struggle. But I also win. And I have a story to tell. And my crown slips more often than I choose to admit - but it has recently come to my attention that I have my Father's heart. And that means more to me than I know how to put into words.

So I can choose to be the person I feel like I am...see uncomfortable part of this post. Or I can be the person I actually am, and remind myself who my Father is:

There is NO ONE like You O God!
You believe in redemption.
You believe in beauty!
You believe in ME!

You formed me with purpose.
You gave me the tools to deal with my pain.
You are the game changer.
You believe in me.

There is unending love in You.
No man can take that from me.

I declare my victory! I am NOT a slave!
I am a beautiful, free, PRINCESS.
Daughter of the King, the Most High.

You are the One who reigns and rules with majesty...
You alone are my refuge and strength.
In You I will find my comfort.
You heal my desires - to make them match Yours.

You redeem my life.
You restore time.
You saw every mistake.
You see every failure.
You see the future sins.

And You still choose me.

And Lord, when I don't feel this way...when it seems like this is all untrue and a gigantic my unbelief.
Heal my heart.
Make me new.