RESTLESS HEART

I constantly feel like I'm too much and not enough.

If I was more patient, I'd be a better teacher, girlfriend and friend.

If I was more secure, I'd be a better teacher, girlfriend and friend.

If I wasn't so emotional, I'd be a better teacher, girlfriend, and friend. 

If I wasn't so trusting, I wouldn't ever get hurt.

If I didn't find trust so difficult, I wouldn't hurt other people.

This list makes me laugh and want to burst into tears. Because it's true. If I was totally different...I'd be totally different. I wouldn't be who I've been created to be. Some people might prefer this other version of Maria...but I don't. 

I want to be exactly who I was called to. Even if it's too much and not enough all at the same time.

I hate that I'm angry. No let me rephrase that. 

I hate who I'm angry with. I hate that I'm angry with God. 

I hate that He allowed things to happen before I had choice.

That a lot of my scars, if not most of my scars could have been so easily avoided. I hate that because of these scars, it's affected my current relationships. 

I hate that it wasn't my fault but I blame myself. 

I hate that I'm pushing good things away because I think they're going to go away because there is no way I'm good enough. 

I hate that I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. 

And then I put that pressure on other people. 

I came across this phrase earlier this year 

"Do not abandon us now that we are fighting for ourselves".

I've been given my voice back.

And I hate that I think that one emotional moment, one heartfelt prayer, one time of pouring my heart out, will fix everything. 

Because it doesn't. As those closest to me can attest, we've talked about how emotional, insecure, and hard it is for me trust more than once. And most of the time, it's been met with so much grace and love.

But people wear out, they aren't God.

Because the one that I'm angry with is the only one who can make me feel whole, complete, and loved. 

Yes people can give you these feelings for a moment, but the love of the Lord washes you clean.

And I don't feel it at this moment. 

And I feel like I'm under attack from the enemy. 

I feel like this experience will either make or break me. 

I am not okay with numbing silence resting on my soul.

I am not okay with losing the blessing God has blessed me with because of my past.

I will not allow my past to define me. 

I will take back what the enemy has stolen.

I will find my faith no matter how hard it is because I am worth it.

I am worth fighting for.

I am worth losing sleep over.

I am worth being pursued.

And even more so, because God is worth it. 

I declare my victory because in Christ, I can do anything. 

I generally post encouraging things, and I feel like this isn't the most encouraging. But it's real, raw, and authentic. And sometimes we need to know that those around us don't always have it all together. That life is hard. That things can hurt us. But we have a choice. My choice is I will not let anything define me except what God says.

 I am broken, but I am not destroyed. In fact, I'm being rebuilt. 

WHEN YOUR CROWN SLIPS

It is so hard for me to write. Mostly because it reminds me of how far I still have to go. More often than not, I feel completely inadequate. In fact, at this exact moment, I am laying in bed, with a box of pops (the cereal) next to me. I'm not even eating them anymore. I'm not sure why they're still there. So not classy.

And, I feel as though I sound like a complete basket case every time I write. Because I write about feelings. Because I'm a woman. And I have a lot of them. I do so many things wrong. And as previously mentioned, I have more feelings than I'm comfortable with.

I'm incredibly guarded.

I cut people off when they get too close.

I don't believe true love exists for me.

I feel as though I am not worthy of a "good man".

My past dictates my future.

I'm insecure.

I am a chronic over thinker.

I can be overcome with shame and guilt.

I give myself too much grace.

I feel like I have to be extra perfect, in every area of life, because I'm a teacher. Because if I'm not, then I have no business being one.

I am both too hard and too easy on myself.

I could go on, but I've probably made you feel uncomfortable enough already.  My point is, I far from perfect. I KNOW who I am, but I deeply struggle with believing it a lot of the time. Old habits die hard. And the voices...the chatterbox...doesn't go quietly.

I read a book recently. Just kidding. I listened to a book recently called "Crash the Chatterbox" by Steven Furtick. Life. Changing. One of his points was the reason the Enemy's voice is always so loud is because he has to scream to get our attention. And the reason the voice of the Lord is so soft and gentle is because He is close. He is always close.

I am not okay to be left the same. I always want to better.

I am not the most gifted writer, teacher, or even the best friend all the time. I struggle. But I also win. And I have a story to tell. And my crown slips more often than I choose to admit - but it has recently come to my attention that I have my Father's heart. And that means more to me than I know how to put into words.

So I can choose to be the person I feel like I am...see uncomfortable part of this post. Or I can be the person I actually am, and remind myself who my Father is:

There is NO ONE like You O God!
You believe in redemption.
You believe in beauty!
You believe in ME!

You formed me with purpose.
You gave me the tools to deal with my pain.
You are the game changer.
You believe in me.

There is unending love in You.
I am WHOLE. I am SECURE.
No man can take that from me.

I declare my victory! I am NOT a slave!
I am a beautiful, free, PRINCESS.
Daughter of the King, the Most High.

You are the One who reigns and rules with majesty...
You alone are my refuge and strength.
In You I will find my comfort.
You heal my desires - to make them match Yours.

You redeem my life.
You restore time.
You saw every mistake.
You see every failure.
You see the future sins.

And You still choose me.

And Lord, when I don't feel this way...when it seems like this is all untrue and a gigantic lie...help my unbelief.
Heal my heart.
Make me new.

PAIN WITH A PURPOSE

This life is full of heartbreak and pain. Pain that will drawn you in, and cause you to drown. I've learned in the recent months that pain is a necessary and healing part of true breakthrough. However, it is imperative to have pain with a purpose.

Parts of my life have hurt so bad. It's been numbing. It's been ongoing. It has caused life choices with serious consequences. But it is not permanent.

I would look at people who seem to have experienced breakthrough and wonder how that happened for them. What did it take? What did it cost?

I am the kind of person that requires a 12 step program to do anything. I excel at following directions.  If you say something will work (like life wise, I'm not a sucker for infomercial products....usually) I will probably try it. I'll read any book you suggest...eventually.

I'll cry. I'll go to the alter. I'll say the right things. And those things are good and useful, but they don't guarantee change. 

When I talk about breakthrough, I mean that I want to stop being hung up on my pain. I want to have situations that have affected me for the entirety of my life... NOT affect me anymore.

True breakthrough starts when you acknowledge the lies you've been believing. 

I used to think that if I gave up my pain - it wouldn't matter anymore.

That those situations, those people who hurt me, would kind of get a "get out jail free card". That I would be just kind of laughing at the past and turning a blind eye toward it.

I thought that letting go would be too hard, too painful. 

I thought I was willing to do whatever it takes. 

I wasn't.

Part of me wanted to hold on to those people, because I still wanted to hold on to that pain... I thought it validated me. 

I didn't actually want it out of my life. 

When I was a kid, I wanted to play the piano. But I didn't want to do the work. 

Now, I can't play the piano. 

I also believed that one day I would wake up and I would suddenly be in a different spot. 

Like I'd suddenly be mature.

But I've come to realize that unfortunately, that ain't how it works. 

If I don't put work in - I won't get to that place where I want to be. 

It's not enough to just acknowledge the lies, now you have a choice. 

Once you realize all the lies you've been believing it can be easy to feel shame, guilt, and like an idiot for not being smarter. 

That's stupid.

You can either choose to replace those lies with new lies...or replace them with truth. 

I wish I was done. 

Like okay there you go - breakthrough accomplished!! Thanks for playing! 

Retraining your brain takes so much work. It's about every thought. It's exhausting. 

But it is so worth it.

It is worth every tear, every hard night, every anxious thought.

Because Jesus is better.

I am happy to say that I am choosing to believe truth. But I would be remiss if I didn't say that it still hurt. But it was a different hurt. It was/ is pain WITH a purpose. Pain without a purpose results in despair. There is no hope. 

Pain WITH a purpose is all about hope. 

I had to take all those hurtful/ heartbreaking situations that affected my life since I was a baby and take them to God. Yes, I had to relive them. I think I cried more getting through it than I had before. I had to identify the root of the issue. I had to ask what He thought about MY situation. Not a basic "do you think ____ is bad?". 

Duh. Of course He does. 

But in my breakthrough, I learned that He was always there. 

Every painful memory, He gave me hope. 

He showed me how He was working. 

He replaced heartache with truth.

He restored my beauty. 

He showed I am worth it.

I am worth pursuing. 

I am loved.

I am whole.

I am chosen.

I am set free.

I am not bound by my past.

I am a powerful woman of God.

I am clothed in strength and dignity.

I am a force to be reckoned with.

My security belongs to Him and NO ONE ELSE CAN HAVE IT. 

True breakthrough comes when you allow JESUS into every part of your life, every part of your mind, and you CHOOSE to act on what He shows you.

As Joyce Meyer says, one of the biggest lies of the enemy is that it's too hard.

It is hard. But it's not too hard.

God is a good God, and He allows us to make our own decisions. 

As graphic as this is, He won't rape us with His goodness, forgiveness, and mercy. 

We have to choose it. 

I absolutely love the way my friend Tiffany Myers put it. Read her blog post on the love of God, how HE sees you here. Please. You won't regret it.

I don't care what happened to you...whatever pit you are in by your own doing or someone else's....Jesus can handle it. 

And the beautiful thing is, He restores you to better than you ever imagined. 

Grace can be yours, friend. 

Choose it. 

Choose to have pain with a purpose and walk in your destiny. 

WHO DO YOU SAY I AM

There are so many words that are descriptions but not identifiers. 

We tend to use these "descriptions" as part of our identity.

At least I do.

Maybe you think you don't. But you're lying. 

Because if not now, at some point you did.

Skinny. Fat. Tall. Short.

Abused. Broken. Defeated.

Those words may describe who you are or who you've been but they are not your identity. 

Personally, I've been all those words. Some people believe I'm tall, others think I'm short. I've been both skinny and fat. And I've been abused, broken, and defeated. 

However, I've also been told all my life that I am beautiful. 

And part of me believes it, and most of me doesn't. 

That word may describe me, but I haven't made it my identity.

Because I have been realizing that my identity and your identity has nothing to do with what we think about who we are. 

But everything to do with what God thinks and says. 

And it's my choice - your choice to either believe it or continue to believe the "descriptions" we've placed on ourselves. 

I don't completely believe in everything God says about me. But it's a process. And I am not where I used to be. 

I can look at the ugly things in my past - and they don't hurt anymore. They do not cause the pain they used to cause. The only reason is Jesus. He heals and redeems all things. And though I don't completely believe it YET... someday I will completely believe that I am everything that God says I am. 

That is the heartbeat of this blog. The process. It can be painful, hard, and trying. But it is beautiful. And the process is what makes the end result so beautiful and worth fighting for. 

CONFESSIONS FROM A CONTROL FREAK

I wish I wasn't such a bonehead. 

It's hard for me to trust You because it means I'm not in control.

Although, I'm not entirely sure why that bothers me.

I don't do a great job on my own.

I have failed relationships and friendships. 

I lose my patience quickly.

I forget my "resolves" 20 minutes after I make them.

But somehow even though I suck at controlling things - it makes me feel better.

Like if I know what's coming or how something will end I can prepare myself and then I won't feel it as much - but it goes both ways.

It might not hurt as much but it also won't be as joyful.

Sometimes trusting You also feels like I'm doing anything.

Like I'm not being proactive. 

Kind of like I walked into a party and I'm the first to arrive and I'm just waiting for everyone else and it's super awkward. 

But.

I've also noticed that going after You with everything I have is one of the hardest, best, and somehow easiest things I've done. 

You bring joy and You bring hope. 

In the days to come I have a feeling it'll be easy to feel like there is no hope.

But, nothing compares to the joy that's coming. 

I don't need to live in fear. I don't need to be scared. There's no reason for anxiety or really anything except peace.

Jesus is in all the details. God is smarter than I am. 

You are the greatest adventure. You are the one who makes my soul dance. Your plan is smart, organized, and perfect.

Your love is extravagant. 

Truly the best is yet to come!! Thank you for Your perfect love!! I like You and I love You! 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while.

1 Peter 1:6

A JOY AND A PRIVILEGE

Today, was my very first day of summer. It officially marks the end of my first year of teaching. 

It was so hard. 

I didn't expect this. 

They didn't teach me this in college. 

No one prepared me.

I never expected to feel this way. 

I wish I could show you them. 

They're beautiful. 

I wish I could adequately put into words what I'm experiencing.

No one prepared me. I wasn't told. 

I didn't expect to drive home from their end of the year concert and cry so hard I had to pull over. Because I wasn't ready to let them go. 

I didn't expect to think about them constantly. Wonder if they're safe, fed, and happy. Even on weekends. 

I didn't expect to be told "I HATE YOU".

I didn't expect to read a student's journal and walk away quickly because I was tearing up. Because he said his dream was for his family to see him walk across the stage in his cap and gown someday. 

I didn't expect my heart to be ripped out when I read the words "I wish Ms. Trela knew that I don't lie unless it's to protect my sister. And sometimes I lie and say we slept at home when really slept at my mom's boyfriend's house."

I didn't expect this.

No one told about the heart break.

No one told me how it feels on the last day of school when you realize that your time is up. That they're going to walk out that door and you may never see each of those kids again. That your chance to impact them on a daily basis is finished. 

No one told me how often I'd lose my patience. How often I wouldn't say things right. 

No one told me the power of an apology of an adult to a child. 

No one told me how many times I'd laugh because they're ridiculous. 

No one told me how many times I'd wonder if I'd made the right choice when I became a teacher; how I would hate teaching my first day. 

I never thought I'd be so tired of them by the end of the school year. How I seriously considered bribing them if no one said my name or needed me for 5 minutes straight. 

I didn't expect to read my kids something I'd wrote and look up and see every single one of them crying. I never thought I'd miss them the way I do. 

I never expected to make so many mistakes. And yet, also have so many victories. 

It's the strangest thing, love. 

I didn't realize what a responsibility it would be to care for, nurture, and teach God's children. I honestly didn't think I'd be the first one to tell some of them that they're heroes. That they are believed in. That they are loved. 

I never realized how much I would need to trust God with my babies. How thankful I'd be that He's a good and loving Father.

At the very beginning of the year, a very wise women prayed over me and said she hoped I would realize what a privilege it is to be called a teacher. 

I think I get it now. 

It is a calling. It is a passion. And it is a complete joy and privilege. 

I'm so thankful. 

To my students - if you ever come across this...I loved every moment.
Because I met you. 

HERE'S MY HEART

I have no catchy intro to this. But I don't think I usually do, so theres that. As usual, I'm a bundle of emotions. And to be completely honest, I've been in tears so many times this week. Which so isn't my thing.

But see the thing of it is, I'm learning I'm actually a basket case. Which may not come as a surprise to anyone. Except me.

I've believed so many lies for SO many years...some my entire life...that silenced my voice. I became passive. And God showed me that I have to change my thinking, RENEW my mind. So I got serious about it. And can I just say - this has been the most exhausting week I've had in a long time. As soon as I made that decision and acted on it, it's as if I've been under constant attack. Waking up at stupid hours, tossing and turning, hearing lies being yelled in my ears, constant panic attacks. Something in me told me to keep going. Thieves only come to loaded vaults!! And I don't say any of this for your sympathy or to make myself look awesome. My point is that GOD IS SO GOOD. Because slowly but surely, in the midst of all lies, there's that still small voice telling me the truth. And in a WEEK, He's done miracles in my heart.

JESUS CAN BE TRUSTED. With my whole heart. With all my dreams. All my desires. Even the ones I really want.

HE DOES WHAT HE SAYS HE CAN DO. He loves so perfectly I can't stand it.

One of the only things I'm completely sure of is that I know absolutely nothing. Even the things I'm good at, theres so much I don't know. It's a lie to believe that I'm defined by anything other than Christ! It's a lie to believe that fighting is too hard! That it does nothing!! If you get nothing out of this, just know Jesus is always, ALWAYS worth it...that God is at work!!!

A REASON TO SING

I'm pretty sure that's a Dr. Who quote. But whatever.

Anyways.

A few fundamental truths that I've been learning:

1. SPREAD JOY EVERYWHERE

I've talked to a few people who use being busy as an excuse to be a jerk. Unintentionally of course, but I've realized the importance of recognizing that EVERYONE struggles. That everyone has deadlines, stress, and too many responsibilities. That everyone has a sticky past. And that every job is hard. And every job is important. Because most jobs include people. Whether you're taking care of them, teaching them, or meeting deadlines for them....they are stressful. So, I need to choose to spread joy and grace. Everyone needs that. A lot of it. 

And it's what sets you apart. Be joyful always. Don't stifle it because not everyone is excited about life!

2. GRATITUDE CHANGES THINGS

I've always heard the phrase "Gratitude turns what you have into enough". And to be honest it's always been a in-one-ear-and-out-the-other phrase. But I think it changes your perspective and in turn changes you. 

3. STOP DOING SOMETHING BECAUSE IT'S WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE

I feel like women have a secret code. We all have something we hate about ourselves. If you get any of us together for long enough, the subject will turn to food, diets, and things we wish were smaller (or bigger). And I've been in this club for basically forever. Until recently. I was with friends and they were ripping themselves apart and I felt like I had to speak up and say something too because that's just what we do. But the truth of it is...I'm completely loved exactly how I am. And I'm okay and even happy with how I look. I feel like there's something wrong with that. Like it's not okay. Like I should be on a diet and worried sick about losing 5 pounds. But...I'm not. I'm good. And you are too.

4. JESUS CHANGES EVERYTHING

This is a duh. But it's a truth that has literally changed everything. I don't have to carry shame around like it's my job. I'm free! I remember someone telling me once "I think you'll get over being insecure when you have a boyfriend". Yeah, no. I feel like Jesus has been renewing my mind and helping me to see myself the way He sees me. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there. He really makes everything better. He's been teaching me so much. He gives me a reason to sing. He's made me exactly how I'm supposed to be. 

Soften your heart friend. Allow Him to change you. It won't be what you expected. It'll be better. 

THREE MONTHS IN

Well, technically almost 4 months. 4 months of being a third grade teacher. 4 months of saying the same things over and over and over again:

"Is that helpful or hurtful?" 
"Our rule is raise your hand before speaking" 
"No I will not repeat the directions, I've already said them three times and you chose not to listen"
"Line up"
"Be at a level 0 in the hallway"

We have a ridiculously chatty class, to say the least. 44 little darlings who will not stop talking. 

4 months, of meetings, parent conferences, observations, and planning sessions. 4 months of freaking non stop TRAININGS (professional development). 

4 months of being in a profession that constantly makes me rethink everything. Gives me more confidence to be assertive (that's the polite way of putting it) ;). And within the same moment destroy my confidence when I see their test scores. 

It's hard. So hard. Especially when it doesn't seem like you're making a difference and your work doesn't matter. 

But then...there are those moments...those breakthrough moments that make it all worth it. 

Have you ever read the story "You Are Special" by Max Lucado? I don't remember what I was teaching, it was at the beginning of the year, and I read it to my kiddos. It's about a little guy named Punchinello, a Wemmick, who isn't very talented. The talented, pretty, good Wemmicks give each other stars and those who well...aren't those things... get dots. Punchinello didn't have any stars, only dots. He meets a Wemmick with no dots or stars and he asked her why. She told him she visits Eli everyday and he helps her not care what other people think. She suggests he also goes to meet with Eli, the master carpenter, which he does. He's scared of course, but when he enters Eli's workshop, Eli know his name. "You know my name?" Punchinello asks. "Of course I do, I made you!". Eli goes on to tell Punchinello that it doesn't matter what the other Wemmicks think. Eli thinks he's special. Eli thinks he's special not because of his abilities but because of the simple fact that Eli made him - and Eli doesn't make mistakes. 

I tell you what...when I read that story, there wasn't a single student whose eyes weren't glued to me. They were so quiet you could hear a pin drop. 

Last week, the week before Thanksgiving, I showed them this video:

Just watch it. While it was still playing, one of the girls burst out "But I'm not a hero!" and it broke my heart. But it was worth it to be the first person to tell her she was something special. Again, silence in the entire classroom. Which is really weird.

And then there's Alexander*. My baby that has literally no consistency in his life. Who has literally been pulled from my classroom more than once by all three principles, screaming and crying. Who, if he's not paying attention, no one is. Who has gotten 30's on all his tests. Who got an 80 on the last test he took, and when I called him to my desk and showed him his grade, his eyes filled with tears. Who still has outbursts but is learning to control them. Who is learning that both his teachers would literally do anything they could to help him be successful. Who is completely different kid than the one who walked into class that first day of school. 

*name has been changed

I'm not saying any of this to brag. I'm saying it because it's almost Monday and I don't want to go back to work. I've realized I am a HUGE fan of naps. Sometimes I need to remember why I do what I do, why I chose the career path I did. 

All I know is, I don't know how any one can do this without Jesus. Your feet hurt, you're always needing to do something, and you're constantly tired. Even after napping for almost an entire week, I could use a nap. And I have papers to grade. Even so, it's worth it. 

Go hug a teacher, or a mom. Because I almost guarantee you moms always feel the same way I just described. 

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE

As I've gotten older, my foolishness truly astounds me. I am the type that is constantly reflecting and analyzing situations. I try to look at something from every point of view and every possible outcome - ranging from slightly ridiculous to completely obscene. And when I'm done with that, I usually start all over. 

Ahhhh, the curse of the over thinker. 

I have another confession to make: I care way too much about what people think. 

In reflecting over my life choices in the past, it's so apparent to me how much I've let the opinions of others shape who I have become. I still struggle with this, but I have also come to the point where I am starting not to care. One of my biggest pet peeves is people judging me based on the things they have heard about me or think they've seen of me without actually knowing who I am personally. I've always grown up behind the shadow of prettier (in my eyes), more outgoing friends. I'm continuously  shocked to hear that people know who I am. I'm more of back ground kind of gal. 

I recently cut my hair and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I also exaggerate about 500% of the time. But it brought me back to jr high and all the thoughts and feelings I had then and I was reminded of a "song" I wrote when I was 14. While writing this, it suddenly popped into my head. I haven't thought of it since I was 14, but nine years later, I remember every word. Although this is a dramatic song, it's near and dear to my heart. I poured my soul into it. 

I fade into the background

No one notices me

or the tear that falls down my face

sometimes I feel rejected 

and utterly alone

theres no one here to comfort me

But You say 

Darling 

Don't worry

I've got it under control, 

don't worry about the end 

you're still at the beginning 

You're my lost sheep

And I will always love you. 

Lately, I have been overcome with guilt over mistakes I have made. How many people I have hurt or negatively affected in my short little life. Lost time. Wondering how things will work out. Where I'll be in a year. I keep waiting for my life to change and it's so close I can almost taste it but it's been that way for so long that I feel like it's never going to happen. 

As I mention in almost everything I write, I believe it's imperative to TELL YOUR SOUL THE TRUTH. Feelings are just feelings! So after I wallow in self pity for awhile I always come back to reminding myself of who I am and where I'm going.

I made this for my baby Zoey. She's not born yet, and before any rumors start, she's my friend's baby not mine. I want her to always be reminded of who she is. I think I need to make me and a few of my friends one of these to continually remind ourselves of who we are, not who we've been.

The fact of the matter is, God's grace is new every morning. And even though I've done some really stupid things and hurt people's feelings....that doesn't change or affect my value. It doesn't matter what people - even Christian friends who think I'm not living up to THEIR standard of being a Christian - think. All that matters is what Jesus thinks and I pursue Him. It all goes back to Jesus. Every dang time. No matter the problem. 

And it also matters how you treat people. Give an abundant amount grace ESPECIALLY when the person doesn't deserve it. I'm convinced that's when we're most like Jesus. 

WORD VOMIT

That was taken yesterday. And I edited the crap out of it because the actual picture quality is terrible. Probably because I was DRIVING. And texting. And giving the person in the car next to me a high five. Not really. That was all for my mother's sake.

People, man. They are something else. I hope you're okay with a lot of words and pictures because thats all this post is going to be. I have a lot of thoughts and questions running around in my heart. So I'm going to throw them up on you. Gross. 

I wish people could see themselves the way people they love see them. I've noticed that we get so bogged down by our own sin and failures that we tend to forget about what we're doing RIGHT. We forget to focus on the good and tend to have a negative view on most circumstances. We forget how deeply we are loved and our choices reflect that. Well, at least mine do. I say all of this as an incurable optimist. I'm a big believer in fairy tales, happy ending, the perfect moment, and that people respond to grace and love in the most staggering and surprising ways. 

But when I view myself, all I see is what's wrong. The sin. The shame. The guilt. The past. The brokenness. Not all the time, not everyday. But in the quiet moments. In the stillness. In the dead of night. I am reminded of who I was, not who I am. The dreams in my heart that have yet to be fulfilled. The pain of the past. 

Everything has been a waiting game lately. Its driving me up the wall, and I can feel myself coming to a breaking point. I'm losing my patience. I'm wondering if God sees me right now. I KNOW he does, but I guess I don't believe it. But I want to. And then I dial myself back about a thousand notches and focus on what is going RIGHT in life. And man oh man does that help.

For example. I have the most obnoxious and loving cat. And while we're on the subject of obnoxious and loving, I have the best family and ride or die friends. I can't believe I just typed ride or die. Moving on. 

I guess that's what the purpose of this blog is. Remembering to cherish the process. Because whether its happy or painful, it writes the pages of our lives and gets us to the end result. Because every part of life has beauty, I'm so convinced of it. Even the hard parts. The heartbreaking parts. Because that is when Jesus mets you in the depths of your soul and reminds you of how unfathomably big He loves you. And me. And everyone. He's got the whole world in His hands. But chooses to see us, care about our stupid and deep worries, and be ravished with us. 

And remembering how loved we are, allows us to love others. To give grace in every moment, because honestly, what else is there?

I love the picture above. You are never as broken as you think you are if you have Jesus. The hurt of today is nothing compared to the glory and privilege of being deeply, intimately known and loved by Him. 

And a final thought, that I've seen proven true in my life is this:

Life Update and Little Reminders

I haven't posted in this blog since October. Granted, no one would ever accuse me of being super consistent with blog posting, but anyways.

A lot has happened since last I wrote. I was going over the list and it's a bit mind boggling. I kind of can give myself a bit of grace for how emotionally frazzled I've been!

So in no particular order:

1) GRADUATED COLLEGE. Your girl has a Bachelors of Science! In Elementary Education! And is a certified teacher in the state of Texas. Thank you Jesus.

2) LOST MY BEST FRIEND. A few days after Thanksgiving, I lost my kitty named, Missy. I want to burst into tears just writing that. She was my birthday present when we moved to Texas and I had been my best friend for 11 years, almost 12. It was very sudden and very heart breaking. For some unknown reason, her liver started failing and was basically eating her organs. She was starving to death. I pet her when I came home from Thanksgiving break and I noticed that had lost a significant amount of weight. Then a day or so went by, family was in town, and she hid in the closest most of the time. I chalked it up to her not liking kids. Then when they left she came out and found me, and I knew. I spent the whole night with her and sobbed and told her I was sorry I had been gone so often for the last two years (being at school). That she probably didn't understand that. That if she just held on, for two more weeks I would be home everyday. And that I loved her very much. We had to put her down the next day. I think she was waiting for me, so that I could say goodbye. I feel like part of my childhood left with her.  And if I'm totally honest, I'm sobbing while writing this.

3) GOT A JOB AT A PRIVATE PRE SCHOOL/PRE K. This happened a week ago. It's fun, but I am just working as an aide. Its a bit difficult to find a job when you graduate in December. But I'm looking. Say a prayer for me if you think about it. I'd really like to teach 1st or 2nd grade. 

Lets get down to the real business of this post. My list of little reminders. These are mostly to myself, but I hope they encourage you too.

- Live in the moment. Don't try to jump ahead to next year, or even tomorrow. Enjoy now.

- People are more important than being late. Be polite. Be sincere.

- It's more important to be gentle, kind, and loving than it is to be right. Or know theology. I'm convinced theology turns well meaning people into pretentious jerks. 

- You cannot change people. Only God can. 

- Don't worry so much. Geez calm down, woman! Don't overthink. Don't make up ridiculous scenarios  in your head. Focus on real life. 

- You don't drink enough water. Ever. 

- Tell people you love them. And on that note, love people exactly where they are at. See them as who they can become. 

- It's okay to hug people, even if you're not a super touchy person. 

- Spending time with Jesus is time you will never regret. Same with exercise.

- You need to stop trying to make pizza food group in your diet. 

A huge hug (I'm going out of my comfort zone) from my heart to yours, 

Maria 

Here's the post that inspired this one from Katie Did What <3

There's always Disneyland

I'd always thought that by the time I had (almost) graduated college I would have had my life at least a little bit together. Not even close. 

At least I have a sense of humor. Unfortunately I'm the only one who thinks I'm funny. But I spend a lot of time with myself so I suppose it works out. I have a really sarcastic sense of humor and am totally fine with making fun of myself, I am not having a complex.

I guess it's just easy to look at other people's life and feel as though they've got it all figured out and you're the only one who has no idea what's going on. You slept through half the movie, and now its almost over and you're completely lost. Sucks to suck.

It's a bit frightening to not have a "what's next" plan. Okay, I'm going to get a job and probably move back home...and then what? Honestly that isn't much different than what I've been doing the last few years. I was pretty sure that the next stage of my life was going to be getting married and being a mama. However, that would take a miracle. It's nice to almost be at that feeling of accomplishment with a degree...but in reality it's just a bazillion hours of your life spent on obtaining a $20,000 piece of paper. 

It's been hard to trust God in all of this. I feel as though my life is going to be on a never ending cycle and this season will last forever. I know and believe that isn't true. And I am a huge advocate of the saying "feeling are not truth". And I'm a big feelings person if you haven't noticed. It's kind of ridiculous. That being said, I've felt His presence so strongly the last few days, like His hand is resting on my heart. It's the most beautiful thing. A true peace.

I wish I could claim that by the end of writing this, I feel completely different about my life. Now, I'm not saying I'm not optimistic about my future. I don't believe it's possible for me to not be optimistic about some aspect of life. Honestly, I love my life and the people in it. I suppose I just feel awkward. This isn't how I thought it was going to be.

So while the plan I had in my head since high school won't become a reality right now, I'm really happy that I have so much to look forward to right now. For example, Disneyland. There's always Disneyland. <3 

I heard a quote yesterday...it was actually from a guy's vows to his wife. He said, "I vow to never stop being silly, mainly because I don't think I can". 

Not where I thought I'd be, but I like the person I am becoming. 

Hopeless Romantic

TV Show: How I Met Your Mother. Can we talk about how amazing season 8 and 9 have been? Yeah, I've been basket case (as usual) in a good way. They are doing an incredible job wrapping this season up with Ted's search for his Mrs. and just dang personality is hitting way to close to home.

Moment: I have several. Turing in my TWS (kind of like my dissertation for teachers). 

Having a wonderful conversation with my room mate. We were talking about a boy who currently has a girlfriend that I used to have to a thing with. I was describing how I feel around him to her and I realized those words have never come out of my mouth before. I  completely trust him, don't feel like I need to change myself in any way, or not measure up to his insane standards like it has been with past guys. He completely believes in me to be a great person, a great teacher, and inspires me to be my best. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it rocked my world. It sucks that I figured this out now, but I left the conversation so happy because I know that regardless of who I end up with it'll be like that. And that is a crazy wonderful thing. I remember telling my best friend that I couldn't even imagine being in love, falling in love, because all I knew was pain. All I know is assholes. And while I'm not remotely in love, it was big moment to hear myself describe that person that way. And remembering the way he looked at me. <3 It gives me hope and makes me happy. I hope that makes a bit of sense!

Beauty tip: taking make up off with olive oil. I'd heard it before, and thought it was stupid but then reheard it on a beauty video and tried it. It really works! I've also been using it as a moisturizer at night because I didn't feel like purchasing another lotion that didn't contain spf. I feel my eyelashes are in great shape because of it. 


Linking up with the cutest mama to be Katie Did What

Even so...(some things I'm loving)

Isn't that picture so calming? I live in the middle of nowhere. Well (by my definition as a city girl) and I took this while driving (BAD idea, DON'T do it!). I added the lyrics this week and it just makes me happy. So, it's a favorite.

Moment: Finding out I passed my Texas teacher certification test! Wohoo! One step closer :)

Food: I've always had a love affair with almonds. It's almost an addiction. If it has almonds in it, especially if its an ice cream. But anyways, lately I've been eating a serving of almonds mixed with a few dark chocolate chips. It's delish. And it's perfect because I'm kinda headache prone and when I eat this, I feel a lot better. I may or may not be eating it at this very moment.

Thankful for: Amazing teachers. I am currently in student teaching and have had my fair share of professors. I emailed my professor from last year freaking out because I was doing my TWS (teacher work sample...kind of like a dissertation for teachers) wrong and I didn't know how to fix it. She gave me her number, and we talked. She helped me figure out how to fix it. And it meant a lot to me.

TV show: Once Upon a Time and Say Yes to the Dress. Just love them both. Happy shows :)

What are your favorites this week? And don't forget to follow so you don't miss a post! It would make me extra happy.

Linking up with Katie Did What

Graduation, Zumba, and Grapes (Some Things I'm Loving)

Song: Um, this is awkward. No song, just STILL listening to HP #7. You'd think as often as I drive, I'd be done by now. 

Moment: I have two but technically they're related. I PASSED MY PPR (Pedagogy and Professional Responsibilities, basically, a teacher test...and I studied for the wrong test!)...and... I APPLIED TO GRADUATE COLLEGE. December 2013, baby!

Clothing: all of it, none of it. Remember my minimalist comment from the previous post? It's officially in high gear. Thanks to this blog. Now, I will not be following "the challenge" but I do like the idea of not having a lot, or over abundance of clothes but strictly having a wardrobe that goes with your lifestyle. For me, its teacher/ slightly professional looking outfits. Hello, project!

Food: Champagne grapes. They're so precious. And cute. So obviously, fun to eat. 

TV Show: Criminal Minds. Enough said.

Workout: Zumba!! SO. MUCH. FUN. My friend and I are taking it at a local intermediate school. Only $2 a lesson! It's twice a week and we sweat. A lot. I think I'm going to try a step class out this week too. 

You're probably wondering about that little dog in my picture above. His name is Maxwell. We're good friends. He's a Pomeranian. Or as I like to call it, a dog that looks like a cat. He also acts like a cat. Anyways.

Linked up with Katie Did What

20 things

I'm not really a selfie taker. Mostly because I feel like an idiot whenever I do it. I mean, I know what I look like, so its fine. But my mom made me this skirt (and 7 others just like it in different fabrics!!!) so I naturally posted this pic on instagram.

Speaking of instagram, I've seen this tag going around where you posted 20 random things about yourself, and I thought that might be a fun to introduce myself a little more :) 

1. I hate cherry flavoring, yuckkk! But the fruit is yummy.
2. I'm usually trying to eat healthy/ on a diet, and failing miserably because diets make me sad. But I still feel like I should lose the weight I gained in college, about 15lbs. I don't want to talk about it.
3. My self esteem is all over the place. Sometimes, I feel awesome. Other times, I want to hide in a closet forever. Usually because I feel fat. And these emotions usually occur within five minutes of each other. 
4. I'm constantly thinking about how I can become a better person. Even in little things, like the way I cut meat. 
5. I also try to look at situations (even stupid ones) from every possible point of view and try to make a decision that will upset the least amount people.
6. I am a people pleaser. (See above).
7. I have a fairly sarcastic sense of humor.
8. I really like the muppets. 
9. I have minimalist tendencies. Not hard core ones, though. But, I go through my closet probably every month or so and get rid of things I don't wear. I hate the idea of excess. I'm not saying I don't like having nice things, I just can't stand the thought of having 87 purses that look similar. I don't want to have more clothes than it is possible for me to wear. I just don't understand the point. If I'm not continuously using something, I want to get rid of it. But, I want everything that I do have, to be something I love. And side note, I only apply these principles to myself. It doesn't bother me if other people have a ton of clothes, or anything like that.I actually don't even notice. But, I could never own 53 pairs of underwear. There's only one of me. I can only wear one pair of underwear at a time. There are 7 days in a week. I do my laundry every 2 weeks. Therefore, I need about 14-18 pairs of underwear. That's it. But they better be super cute. 
10. I'm long winded. (see above). But seriously, I cannot stand knick knacks. Again, see above. I have friends who have walked into my room and told me its practically empty. (Side note: I put up pictures on my wall! It doesn't look as empty anymore!)
11. I'm addicted to chocolate chip cookies from chickfila. Try one. You'll be addicted too. 
12. Speaking of addictions, one word: pinterest. Follow me. It'll be fun.
13. I am an incredibly nervous and high stress person. But secretly. In fact, I didn't even realize it until recently. I get nervous about stupid little things. My thoughts get faster, and I have to really think about it to calm myself down. However, you would not know that from just observing me. I hide it very well, most of the time.
14. I am not a very touchy person, unfortunately. I am kind of trying to get over it. But I'm not trying all that hard. 
15. I love fashion, but whenever I go shopping, I suddenly have no idea what I am doing.
16. I have a bizillion things I'd like to become awesome at: photography, yoga, painting, longboarding, cosmetology. 
17. I LOVE makeup. The minimalist in me is having a really hard time with how much makeup I own. I see a purge in my future.
18. I love Jesus.
19. I seriously wish everything in my purse was the cutest thing you've ever seen in your life. But sadly, I'm not quite there yet. Someday.
20. I really love my life. 

And there you have it, twenty facts about yours truly. Now it's your turn. Tell me everything! Or at least a few, in the comments below and don't forget to follow this blog! :)

Love, 

Maria