REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE

As I've gotten older, my foolishness truly astounds me. I am the type that is constantly reflecting and analyzing situations. I try to look at something from every point of view and every possible outcome - ranging from slightly ridiculous to completely obscene. And when I'm done with that, I usually start all over. 

Ahhhh, the curse of the over thinker. 

I have another confession to make: I care way too much about what people think. 

In reflecting over my life choices in the past, it's so apparent to me how much I've let the opinions of others shape who I have become. I still struggle with this, but I have also come to the point where I am starting not to care. One of my biggest pet peeves is people judging me based on the things they have heard about me or think they've seen of me without actually knowing who I am personally. I've always grown up behind the shadow of prettier (in my eyes), more outgoing friends. I'm continuously  shocked to hear that people know who I am. I'm more of back ground kind of gal. 

I recently cut my hair and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I also exaggerate about 500% of the time. But it brought me back to jr high and all the thoughts and feelings I had then and I was reminded of a "song" I wrote when I was 14. While writing this, it suddenly popped into my head. I haven't thought of it since I was 14, but nine years later, I remember every word. Although this is a dramatic song, it's near and dear to my heart. I poured my soul into it. 

I fade into the background

No one notices me

or the tear that falls down my face

sometimes I feel rejected 

and utterly alone

theres no one here to comfort me

But You say 

Darling 

Don't worry

I've got it under control, 

don't worry about the end 

you're still at the beginning 

You're my lost sheep

And I will always love you. 

Lately, I have been overcome with guilt over mistakes I have made. How many people I have hurt or negatively affected in my short little life. Lost time. Wondering how things will work out. Where I'll be in a year. I keep waiting for my life to change and it's so close I can almost taste it but it's been that way for so long that I feel like it's never going to happen. 

As I mention in almost everything I write, I believe it's imperative to TELL YOUR SOUL THE TRUTH. Feelings are just feelings! So after I wallow in self pity for awhile I always come back to reminding myself of who I am and where I'm going.

I made this for my baby Zoey. She's not born yet, and before any rumors start, she's my friend's baby not mine. I want her to always be reminded of who she is. I think I need to make me and a few of my friends one of these to continually remind ourselves of who we are, not who we've been.

The fact of the matter is, God's grace is new every morning. And even though I've done some really stupid things and hurt people's feelings....that doesn't change or affect my value. It doesn't matter what people - even Christian friends who think I'm not living up to THEIR standard of being a Christian - think. All that matters is what Jesus thinks and I pursue Him. It all goes back to Jesus. Every dang time. No matter the problem. 

And it also matters how you treat people. Give an abundant amount grace ESPECIALLY when the person doesn't deserve it. I'm convinced that's when we're most like Jesus. 

WORD VOMIT

That was taken yesterday. And I edited the crap out of it because the actual picture quality is terrible. Probably because I was DRIVING. And texting. And giving the person in the car next to me a high five. Not really. That was all for my mother's sake.

People, man. They are something else. I hope you're okay with a lot of words and pictures because thats all this post is going to be. I have a lot of thoughts and questions running around in my heart. So I'm going to throw them up on you. Gross. 

I wish people could see themselves the way people they love see them. I've noticed that we get so bogged down by our own sin and failures that we tend to forget about what we're doing RIGHT. We forget to focus on the good and tend to have a negative view on most circumstances. We forget how deeply we are loved and our choices reflect that. Well, at least mine do. I say all of this as an incurable optimist. I'm a big believer in fairy tales, happy ending, the perfect moment, and that people respond to grace and love in the most staggering and surprising ways. 

But when I view myself, all I see is what's wrong. The sin. The shame. The guilt. The past. The brokenness. Not all the time, not everyday. But in the quiet moments. In the stillness. In the dead of night. I am reminded of who I was, not who I am. The dreams in my heart that have yet to be fulfilled. The pain of the past. 

Everything has been a waiting game lately. Its driving me up the wall, and I can feel myself coming to a breaking point. I'm losing my patience. I'm wondering if God sees me right now. I KNOW he does, but I guess I don't believe it. But I want to. And then I dial myself back about a thousand notches and focus on what is going RIGHT in life. And man oh man does that help.

For example. I have the most obnoxious and loving cat. And while we're on the subject of obnoxious and loving, I have the best family and ride or die friends. I can't believe I just typed ride or die. Moving on. 

I guess that's what the purpose of this blog is. Remembering to cherish the process. Because whether its happy or painful, it writes the pages of our lives and gets us to the end result. Because every part of life has beauty, I'm so convinced of it. Even the hard parts. The heartbreaking parts. Because that is when Jesus mets you in the depths of your soul and reminds you of how unfathomably big He loves you. And me. And everyone. He's got the whole world in His hands. But chooses to see us, care about our stupid and deep worries, and be ravished with us. 

And remembering how loved we are, allows us to love others. To give grace in every moment, because honestly, what else is there?

I love the picture above. You are never as broken as you think you are if you have Jesus. The hurt of today is nothing compared to the glory and privilege of being deeply, intimately known and loved by Him. 

And a final thought, that I've seen proven true in my life is this:

Life Update and Little Reminders

I haven't posted in this blog since October. Granted, no one would ever accuse me of being super consistent with blog posting, but anyways.

A lot has happened since last I wrote. I was going over the list and it's a bit mind boggling. I kind of can give myself a bit of grace for how emotionally frazzled I've been!

So in no particular order:

1) GRADUATED COLLEGE. Your girl has a Bachelors of Science! In Elementary Education! And is a certified teacher in the state of Texas. Thank you Jesus.

2) LOST MY BEST FRIEND. A few days after Thanksgiving, I lost my kitty named, Missy. I want to burst into tears just writing that. She was my birthday present when we moved to Texas and I had been my best friend for 11 years, almost 12. It was very sudden and very heart breaking. For some unknown reason, her liver started failing and was basically eating her organs. She was starving to death. I pet her when I came home from Thanksgiving break and I noticed that had lost a significant amount of weight. Then a day or so went by, family was in town, and she hid in the closest most of the time. I chalked it up to her not liking kids. Then when they left she came out and found me, and I knew. I spent the whole night with her and sobbed and told her I was sorry I had been gone so often for the last two years (being at school). That she probably didn't understand that. That if she just held on, for two more weeks I would be home everyday. And that I loved her very much. We had to put her down the next day. I think she was waiting for me, so that I could say goodbye. I feel like part of my childhood left with her.  And if I'm totally honest, I'm sobbing while writing this.

3) GOT A JOB AT A PRIVATE PRE SCHOOL/PRE K. This happened a week ago. It's fun, but I am just working as an aide. Its a bit difficult to find a job when you graduate in December. But I'm looking. Say a prayer for me if you think about it. I'd really like to teach 1st or 2nd grade. 

Lets get down to the real business of this post. My list of little reminders. These are mostly to myself, but I hope they encourage you too.

- Live in the moment. Don't try to jump ahead to next year, or even tomorrow. Enjoy now.

- People are more important than being late. Be polite. Be sincere.

- It's more important to be gentle, kind, and loving than it is to be right. Or know theology. I'm convinced theology turns well meaning people into pretentious jerks. 

- You cannot change people. Only God can. 

- Don't worry so much. Geez calm down, woman! Don't overthink. Don't make up ridiculous scenarios  in your head. Focus on real life. 

- You don't drink enough water. Ever. 

- Tell people you love them. And on that note, love people exactly where they are at. See them as who they can become. 

- It's okay to hug people, even if you're not a super touchy person. 

- Spending time with Jesus is time you will never regret. Same with exercise.

- You need to stop trying to make pizza food group in your diet. 

A huge hug (I'm going out of my comfort zone) from my heart to yours, 

Maria 

Here's the post that inspired this one from Katie Did What <3

There's always Disneyland

I'd always thought that by the time I had (almost) graduated college I would have had my life at least a little bit together. Not even close. 

At least I have a sense of humor. Unfortunately I'm the only one who thinks I'm funny. But I spend a lot of time with myself so I suppose it works out. I have a really sarcastic sense of humor and am totally fine with making fun of myself, I am not having a complex.

I guess it's just easy to look at other people's life and feel as though they've got it all figured out and you're the only one who has no idea what's going on. You slept through half the movie, and now its almost over and you're completely lost. Sucks to suck.

It's a bit frightening to not have a "what's next" plan. Okay, I'm going to get a job and probably move back home...and then what? Honestly that isn't much different than what I've been doing the last few years. I was pretty sure that the next stage of my life was going to be getting married and being a mama. However, that would take a miracle. It's nice to almost be at that feeling of accomplishment with a degree...but in reality it's just a bazillion hours of your life spent on obtaining a $20,000 piece of paper. 

It's been hard to trust God in all of this. I feel as though my life is going to be on a never ending cycle and this season will last forever. I know and believe that isn't true. And I am a huge advocate of the saying "feeling are not truth". And I'm a big feelings person if you haven't noticed. It's kind of ridiculous. That being said, I've felt His presence so strongly the last few days, like His hand is resting on my heart. It's the most beautiful thing. A true peace.

I wish I could claim that by the end of writing this, I feel completely different about my life. Now, I'm not saying I'm not optimistic about my future. I don't believe it's possible for me to not be optimistic about some aspect of life. Honestly, I love my life and the people in it. I suppose I just feel awkward. This isn't how I thought it was going to be.

So while the plan I had in my head since high school won't become a reality right now, I'm really happy that I have so much to look forward to right now. For example, Disneyland. There's always Disneyland. <3 

I heard a quote yesterday...it was actually from a guy's vows to his wife. He said, "I vow to never stop being silly, mainly because I don't think I can". 

Not where I thought I'd be, but I like the person I am becoming. 

Hopeless Romantic

TV Show: How I Met Your Mother. Can we talk about how amazing season 8 and 9 have been? Yeah, I've been basket case (as usual) in a good way. They are doing an incredible job wrapping this season up with Ted's search for his Mrs. and just dang personality is hitting way to close to home.

Moment: I have several. Turing in my TWS (kind of like my dissertation for teachers). 

Having a wonderful conversation with my room mate. We were talking about a boy who currently has a girlfriend that I used to have to a thing with. I was describing how I feel around him to her and I realized those words have never come out of my mouth before. I  completely trust him, don't feel like I need to change myself in any way, or not measure up to his insane standards like it has been with past guys. He completely believes in me to be a great person, a great teacher, and inspires me to be my best. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it rocked my world. It sucks that I figured this out now, but I left the conversation so happy because I know that regardless of who I end up with it'll be like that. And that is a crazy wonderful thing. I remember telling my best friend that I couldn't even imagine being in love, falling in love, because all I knew was pain. All I know is assholes. And while I'm not remotely in love, it was big moment to hear myself describe that person that way. And remembering the way he looked at me. <3 It gives me hope and makes me happy. I hope that makes a bit of sense!

Beauty tip: taking make up off with olive oil. I'd heard it before, and thought it was stupid but then reheard it on a beauty video and tried it. It really works! I've also been using it as a moisturizer at night because I didn't feel like purchasing another lotion that didn't contain spf. I feel my eyelashes are in great shape because of it. 


Linking up with the cutest mama to be Katie Did What

Even so...(some things I'm loving)

Isn't that picture so calming? I live in the middle of nowhere. Well (by my definition as a city girl) and I took this while driving (BAD idea, DON'T do it!). I added the lyrics this week and it just makes me happy. So, it's a favorite.

Moment: Finding out I passed my Texas teacher certification test! Wohoo! One step closer :)

Food: I've always had a love affair with almonds. It's almost an addiction. If it has almonds in it, especially if its an ice cream. But anyways, lately I've been eating a serving of almonds mixed with a few dark chocolate chips. It's delish. And it's perfect because I'm kinda headache prone and when I eat this, I feel a lot better. I may or may not be eating it at this very moment.

Thankful for: Amazing teachers. I am currently in student teaching and have had my fair share of professors. I emailed my professor from last year freaking out because I was doing my TWS (teacher work sample...kind of like a dissertation for teachers) wrong and I didn't know how to fix it. She gave me her number, and we talked. She helped me figure out how to fix it. And it meant a lot to me.

TV show: Once Upon a Time and Say Yes to the Dress. Just love them both. Happy shows :)

What are your favorites this week? And don't forget to follow so you don't miss a post! It would make me extra happy.

Linking up with Katie Did What

Graduation, Zumba, and Grapes (Some Things I'm Loving)

Song: Um, this is awkward. No song, just STILL listening to HP #7. You'd think as often as I drive, I'd be done by now. 

Moment: I have two but technically they're related. I PASSED MY PPR (Pedagogy and Professional Responsibilities, basically, a teacher test...and I studied for the wrong test!)...and... I APPLIED TO GRADUATE COLLEGE. December 2013, baby!

Clothing: all of it, none of it. Remember my minimalist comment from the previous post? It's officially in high gear. Thanks to this blog. Now, I will not be following "the challenge" but I do like the idea of not having a lot, or over abundance of clothes but strictly having a wardrobe that goes with your lifestyle. For me, its teacher/ slightly professional looking outfits. Hello, project!

Food: Champagne grapes. They're so precious. And cute. So obviously, fun to eat. 

TV Show: Criminal Minds. Enough said.

Workout: Zumba!! SO. MUCH. FUN. My friend and I are taking it at a local intermediate school. Only $2 a lesson! It's twice a week and we sweat. A lot. I think I'm going to try a step class out this week too. 

You're probably wondering about that little dog in my picture above. His name is Maxwell. We're good friends. He's a Pomeranian. Or as I like to call it, a dog that looks like a cat. He also acts like a cat. Anyways.

Linked up with Katie Did What